A New Year’s Resolution Worth Keeping

If you could resolve to do something in 2009 that has the potential of greatly improving your relationship with your children what would it be? After giving it some thought, I decided I’m going to work on becoming a better listener.

Now that both my children are teenagers, it’s more important than ever that I take time to really listen to them. I’ve read plenty of research reporting teenagers often feel their parents don’t listen to them but those same parents feel they are listening to their teens. Why is there such a discrepancy between what the teens and parents think?

Maybe it’s because there are a lot of ways for parents to unintentionally stop conversations with their kids. For example, if your child is telling you about being nervous for an upcoming test, these types of responses will probably leave your child feeling unheard:

• Analyzing: “I think you just like to focus on being worried about the test because that’s easier than actually studying for it.”
• Reassuring: “You’ve studied enough. I’m sure you’ll do great on the test.”
• Giving advice: “If you study an hour right before going to bed, you’ll probably remember more for the test tomorrow.”

Even though I know about various roadblocks to conversation and even covered this topic in the Priceless Parenting class, I still find myself using these types of responses. Knowing something is certainly not the same as being able to consistently do it. This year I’m going to work on avoiding conversation roadblocks and really listen to my children!

Mom was right again

There were many words of wisdom I heard from my parents growing up. I’ve recently managed to forget my Mom’s wise advice a couple times and unfortunately suffered the consequences. She always told me not to drop sharp knives into the soapy dishwater but instead hold them by the handle while washing them. Well the other day I reached into the dishwater to retrieve a sharp knife I was letting soak and promptly cut my finger. Ouch!

She also warned me never to leave the kitchen if I had something on the stove. That’s a tough one for me since I love doing more than one thing at a time. I was cooking jelly and decided to jump on the computer for just a minute while it came to a boil. You guessed it … I totally forgot about the jelly until I smelled it burning on the stove after it boiled over! What a mess!

Although I live 1,700 miles from my parents, my Mom may have heard me proclaim “Mom, you were right!” I now have a strongly renewed desire to heed her advice! The influence parents have on their children lasts a lifetime.

Each night a child is born is a holy night

Each Night a Child is Born is a Holy Night  by Sophia Lyon Fahs

For so the children come
And so they have been coming.
Always in the same way they come -
Born of the seed of man and woman.
No angels herald their beginnings.
No prophets predict their future courses.
No wisemen see a star to show where to find the babe that will save humankind.

Yet each night a child is born is a holy night.
Fathers and Mothers sitting beside their children's cribs,
Feel glory in the sight of a new life beginning.

They ask, "Where and how will this new life end?
Or will it ever end?"

Each night a child is born is a holy night,
A time for singing,
A time for wondering,
A time for worshipping.

If you hit, you sit.

This is a simple rule which lets young children know the consequence of hitting. Parents can explain to children that they are welcome to stay if they choose to play cooperatively, “We want to feel safe when we are together and so if you choose to hit, you must leave.”

If children hit:

• Guide them to sitting down nearby (this will probably motivate them to quickly change their behavior in order to rejoin the fun) or have them go to their room.
• Let children decide when they are ready to return. Tell them they are welcome to come back as soon as they decide to play without hitting.
• Stay calm and avoid showing anger or disappointment. By keeping your emotions under control, children can focus on their behavior and the related consequences.
• Welcome children back, “I’m happy you’ve decided to come back. It’s more fun when you’re with us.”

Eventually your children will develop self-control and be able to manage their urge to hit. Until that time, parents need to intervene when their children are hitting.

Hard work of parenting pays off

Being a parent certainly presents plenty of difficult challenges (who can ever forget trying to stay cool, calm and collected while your child has a meltdown!). However, the time and energy you put into becoming the best possible parent you can be starts paying off when your children become teenagers. Now that my youngest recently turned 13 and my oldest is 16 we are starting to enjoy the benefits.

They’re teens who are generally responsible, helpful and a lot of fun to have around. Did we just get lucky? No, we spent a lot of time learning from parenting experts and then invested significant time and energy into changing our own behavior. We spent years practicing things like responding with empathy instead of anger to misbehavior, guiding our children to solving their own problems instead of solving it for them and avoiding lecturing, yelling or nagging.

They are not rebellious teenagers because they don’t have a reason to be rebellious. At this point they are in control of most of the important decisions in their lives like: when/where/how to do homework, who to hang out with, what to do with their free time, how to handle time commitment conflicts, when to go to bed and when to get up. We’ve slowly built up their level of freedom and responsibility over the years so that they now have the skills to make wise decisions.

Could they make a major mistake like trying drugs or getting pregnant? This certainly could happen but is less likely because they know they are responsible for dealing with the consequences of their decisions. We’ve often told them that the quality of their lives will depend on the decisions they make.

Where are these parenting skills taught? You can discover the universal parenting skills that have worked well for countless parents by taking the online Priceless Parenting class. The investment you make in improving your parenting is the best investment you’ll ever make!

How many times do I have to ask you?

Do you ever find yourself saying to your children “How many times do I have to ask you?” If so, you’re probably feeling frustrated and angry with the lack of results.

Sometimes we unintentionally teach our children not to respond the first time we make a request. If children have learned that they really don’t need to pay attention to us until we’re screaming, then they often will wait until this point to respond. However, if we instead ask only once and expect it be done, children are more likely to act on our initial request.

What if your child doesn’t do what you’ve asked the first time? Then there needs to be some consequence. For example, if you’ve asked your child to put away his shoes and he hasn’t done it but now wants to eat dinner you could say “Please join us for dinner just as soon as your shoes are put away.”

Crying means stop

Simple, easy-to-remember rules work well with young children. One mom’s rule for her 3-year-old and 18-month-old is “Crying means stop”. Her kids have learned that if someone is crying then it’s time to stop whatever they are doing.

Both children know the rule and are often able to stop themselves from whatever they are doing when someone starts crying. However, mom does step in if the children are unable to stop themselves or the situation is escalating. By allowing her children to work out most of their problems on their own, she is giving them the opportunity to learn the important skill of self-control.

Dryer fire story

It is so easy to panic when there is an unexpected fire in your home. This mom's story of what happened when her dryer caught on fire is worth reading. Spending a little time thinking through how you would handle a fire may help keep your children safe some day.

Teaching Children to Express Gratitude

We are responsible for teaching our children to say "please" and "thank you". This basic social skill is critical in showing respect for others. However, many older children have not fully developed this skill and it causes problems.

For example, one aunt explained how hard she worked to find neat gifts for her three nephews. When opening the gifts they would often say things like "I don't really like this." or "This isn't what I wanted." The aunt's feelings were definitely hurt by these remarks. The parents did not step in to help their sons learn that these types of responses were completely inappropriate.

At another holiday gathering children were wildly opening gifts without paying much attention to who the gift was from never mind actually thanking the person for the gift. The children threw aside each gift and anxiously started tearing the wrapping from the next gift. Again the parents failed to set up appropriate rules or expectations for the gift opening.

It's critical to teach our children how to politely handle situations involving gifts. It can be helpful for parents to sit down with their kids ahead of time and discuss the importance of showing their thankfulness. Discussing and practicing what to say under various situations can help prepare children to act graciously even when receiving a gift they really aren't excited about. It can also be helpful to agree on a gentle reminder signal, like a light touch on the ear, if children forget to say thanks.

Sometimes parents express appreciation for something their children have received instead of guiding their children to saying thank you. When parents do this, children do not learn that it is their responsibility to say thank you for things they've received. Children who do not learn to show these basic courtesies are often disrespectful in a number of other ways.

The holidays provide many opportunities for children to practice expressing their appreciation. This holiday season give your children the gift of learning to express their gratitude!

Children getting lost

Yesterday evening I was walking towards a grocery store as a 3 or 4-year-old boy came out the door. He shouted “Mom!” and when nobody answered tried to go back in the store. However, he wasn’t heavy enough to activate the automatic door and was about to cry when I offered to help him find his mom.

We went back into the grocery store and asked a cashier to have his mom paged. Soon his mom appeared with her cart and called out for him. He ran to be joyfully reunited with her. Although this story has a happy ending, it’s easy to imagine how it could turn out poorly.

Although as parents we try to keep track of our children, children do get lost. What can you do to reduce the chance that your children will get lost and help them make wise choices if they do become lost?

• Give your children responsibility for keeping track of you. They are less likely to get lost when they have this responsibility.
• Let them know you will never leave a store without them so they should always stay in the store if they are lost.
• Explain how to locate an adult who can help them.
• Teach your children your first name, not just Mom or Dad
• If you have young children, consider using a harness where you can hold onto a strap.

One mom created tags with important information for her children to wear in their shoes. Each tag had a picture of the family, along with names and phone numbers. She was reassured that her children had this important information with them should they need it.

If you have other tips to help children handle being lost, please add your comments.

Practicing builds confidence

My son’s TaeKwonDo instructor, Master Shin, often tells the kids that if they want to be confident when it comes time to test for the next belt level, they must practice regularly. The testing involves both physical activities like kicking and punching plus mental activities like being able to recite Korean words. He reminds them that the only way they will have confidence on testing day is if they have been steadily practicing.

He’s right. As an observer on testing day it’s easy to see who has been practicing and who tried to cram for the test … especially when it comes to the Korean vocabulary!

What does this have to do with parenting? I’ve spoken to a number of parents who are upset when their teenagers start making more decisions and are struggling to make good decisions. All teens need to gain their independence and part of this is making their own decisions. If we want our teens to be wise decision makers, they need to be practicing ahead of time.

This is why it is so important to allow younger children to make decisions and experience consequences. For example, it may be easier simply to tell your 9-year-old when it’s time to go to bed, however, if you leave him in charge of when to go to bed, he will learn a lot more. Allowing children to make many decisions when they are young builds their confidence so when “teenage testing day” arrives they can handle it with confidence!

Obama’s parenting

Let’s set aside how Obama will perform as President and instead look at how Barack and Michelle handle parenting. Many noticed that in his presidential acceptance speech he included his promise to his daughters to get a puppy after the campaign was over. What did his girls think when their dad mentioned his promise to them of a puppy in his speech? Perhaps they stood a little taller knowing their dad valued his promise to them enough to mention it in his speech.

Yesterday Barack, Michelle, Malia and Sasha spent time handing out food at a Chicago church’s food bank. According to an article in the Seattle Times, Barack said he brought the girls to the church because “I want them to learn the importance of how fortunate they are and to make sure they're giving back.”

This week I read that the girls will have to do chores at the White House. Another excellent parenting move on the part of Michelle and Barack! Doing chores teaches children many valuable lessons and luckily Malia and Sasha won’t be missing out on these important lessons.

Barack has also “called on fathers to do more to support their children growing up, invoking his own absent dad.” He values family and especially emphasizes the responsibilities fathers have in raising their children.

Given the few glimpses of their parenting, it looks like the Obamas will serve as wonderful parenting role models. Having their family in the White House brings hope of a greater focus on the importance of parenting.

Reducing holiday stress

In December I often find myself feeling stressed out with everything I’m trying to get done. Now it happens that besides Christmas, my son, husband and a number of other family members also have birthdays in December. One year I wrote down all the extra tasks I do in December. My list included 20 additional tasks! Just looking at the list helped me realize why I sometimes feel overwhelmed at this time of year.

Writing down the list also helped me think through my choices. I certainly did not have to do every item on the list but almost all the items were things I wanted to do. I reduced my stress by eliminating any items that I didn’t really want to do and starting earlier on certain tasks.

I want the holidays to be fun, happy times for my family. By controlling my stress level, I’m able to be the kind of parent I want to be and the holidays are more fun for everyone!

The science of raising children

Temple University psychologist, Laurence Steinberg, has written a book titled The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting. The principles are based on research in child development. He explains “One of the most encouraging findings from research on children’s development is that the fundamentals of good parenting are the same regardless of whether your child is male or female, six or sixteen, an only child, a twin, or a child with multiple siblings. They are the same regardless of whether the primary parent is a mother, father, or some other caregiver. The basic principles of good parenting have been corroborated in studies done in different parts of the world, with different ethnic and racial groups, in poor as well as in rich families, and in families with divorced, separated, and married parents.”

He goes on to say “In my view, good parenting is parenting that fosters psychological adjustment – elements like honesty, empathy, self-reliance, kindness, cooperation, self-control and cheerfulness.” He provides a scientific background for his criteria in what constitutes good parenting. You can read a brief overview of the ten principles and read the book for more details.

He points out “… no doubt there will be readers who see the ten principles as little more than common sense. But although the principles certainly make sense, their use is anything but common.” There definitely is a big gap between parenting practices that make sense and being able to follow these practices day in and day out!

Never mind, I’ll do it!

As parents we can find ourselves frustrated by the lack of speed our children have in getting tasks done. When we are tired of waiting or really need something done right now, we may find ourselves saying “Never mind, I’ll do it!” It often takes less time and energy to simply do it ourselves. However, when we jump in and do something our children should be doing, we are stealing the opportunity for them to increase their self discipline and sense of responsibility.

What do our children think when they hear us say “Never mind, I’ll do it”? Perhaps thoughts like:

• I can get out of doing work if I simply delay long enough.
• Dad is mad at me but at least I don’t have to do it.
• I’m kind of lazy.

Since there are no positive messages being sent in this situation, it’s something to avoid doing.

One dad described being so frustrated with his 5-year-old’s slowness in getting dressed that he finally took over and dressed his son. In his anger he scolded his son saying he was acting like a baby and shouldn’t need help getting dressed. What thoughts was this boy probably having about himself in this situation? What thoughts was he having about his dad?

Another approach this dad could have taken was to give his son the choice of getting dressed at home or taking his clothes in a bag and getting dressed at school. Allowing our children to accomplish their own tasks in their own way is a gift which will help them grow.

Parents who are hard on themselves

This was the last week of a seven week Priceless Parenting discussion group. One mom came up to me at the end and stated “This is the first parenting class I’ve taken where I haven’t left feeling like I’m a bad mom.” I was glad to hear that she felt supported as a parent instead of criticized.

Parenting is really difficult. Our children challenge us and cause us to grow in ways we never imagined before having kids. I give any parent taking a parenting class a lot of credit for working hard to be the best parent possible. These parents tend to set high expectations for themselves and are sometimes too hard on themselves when they don’t handle every parenting situation as they would ideally like to.

Another mom said she was so happy to hear in one of the lessons that it took me a couple years of practice before I was able to primarily respond with empathy rather than anger to my children’s misbehavior. She was pleased to know she didn’t have to accomplish this in just seven weeks! Changing your own behavior takes time, dedication and plenty of practice.

Taking a parenting class should increase your skills while leaving you feeling better about your parenting, not worse. While there isn’t one parenting technique that will magically work with all children, there are many approaches that work extremely well. I’ve tried to capture this information in the Priceless Parenting class so that parents can have easy access to this knowledge and enjoy parenting more.

Too tired to set limits

One mom told the story of how not setting a limit led to a painful experience. She was very tired and had just put her youngest down for a nap. However, her 4-year-old son said he wasn’t tired. Instead of resting, he wanted to work on his racing skills. His plan was to run up and down the hallway to improve his speed.

Mom decided to lay on the coach for a little rest. Her son eventually started ending his hallway run by jumping onto the coach. At first he was jumping on near her feet but with each successive run, he got a little closer to her head. She had her hands near her face for protection in case he got too close … which is exactly what happened. His knee hit her squarely on the bridge of her nose. Immediately there was blood and tremendous pain. Luckily a trip to the doctor confirmed her nose had not been broken. Yikes!

I know how it feels to be really tired and want just a few minutes of rest. It can take all the energy we have plus some to deal with our kids at these times. Sometimes it’s only in hindsight that we realize had we taken the time to set a limit earlier, the ultimate cost would have been much less.

Choosing your response

Yesterday morning my son forgot to take his trumpet along to catch the bus. He ran back to the house to get it and when he ran back to the bus stop he sadly saw the bus just pulling away. He dashed back home and asked me for a ride to school.

I knew what I was going to do … give him a ride to school. Now my choice was how I was going to be during that drive … crabby and irritated or calm and pleasant. I choose to be pleasant. I didn’t lecture or even mention any payback for my time driving him (and later in the day he gladly helped me with a couple things I needed to get done).

Thankfully this is the first time this year he’s missed the bus. However, there have been similar situations in the past where I’ve chosen to be crabby and irritated while providing a ride. Even I don’t like being in the car with myself when I’m acting that way! Although driving him to school wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time, choosing to be calm and pleasant made the situation much better for both of us.

Ranting and raving with poor results

I was visiting a company last week and overheard a woman loudly complain “I’m changing the copier paper again! Nobody else must use the copier because I’m the one always changing the paper. Everyone else here is just lazy!” A minute later she proclaimed “This is the third time I’ve said this out loud. I can’t believe how lazy everyone else is!”

She was clearly irritated. However, the way she chose to express herself was both ineffective and insulting to her co-workers. Ranting loudly and calling people lazy is not a successful formula for motivating people to change their behavior!

This reminds me of similar situations I’ve witnessed between parents and their children. Parents will sometimes complain loudly about their children’s behavior hoping that hearing this will somehow motivate their children to positively change. They are disappointed when the ranting motivates their children to leave the situation but not change the desired behavior.

In this office example, a better approach would have been for her to mention the problem during a staff meeting. She could explain that she feels frustrated because it always seems to be her responsibility to change the copier paper. She could then either ask for suggestions for resolving the problem or offer her own solution. They could choose an option, try it out and discuss it further if needed. This approach would allow her to treat her co-workers with respect while working together towards a solution.

Successfully establishing a co-parenting plan

Going through a divorce is certainly difficult and when kids are involved it is even more challenging. One key to regaining structure under the new circumstances is to document which parent has responsibility for the children on a daily basis including holidays. After going through a divorce herself and realizing the importance of a documented parenting plan, Beth Fischer, CEO of Kidlink, created a comprehensive Parenting Plan document plus a one page Parenting Time document. According to Fischer, "To establish a parenting time schedule is to regain structure for a broken family. It is the most important thing that can happen in any court case involving children."

She has kindly provided both the Parenting Plan and the Parenting Time documents in a Word format that can be downloaded and completed. The Parenting Plan includes the parenting time schedule plus a broad range of other information: judge’s name, court address, children’s names, social security numbers, schools, who has decision making authority over things like medical care, how expenses like school meals will be divided, locations/times for exchanging the children, health insurance information, income tax deduction, photographs and thumbprints of the children. These documents can help establish important boundaries for co-parents.

Teens thinking through important decisions

My daughter went to her high school’s homecoming dance a week ago. It’s a big event filled with much anticipation including how someone will be asked to the dance, who will go to dinner together, where they will eat dinner and what they will do after the dance.

I wanted my daughter to have a wonderful time and of course I also wanted her to come home safely. That’s why I was especially pleased to hear that the girls in her group got together to decide which boys they trusted to drive! Driving safely is a critical issue and I’m thankful they took it seriously.

Problems with bed-wetting

A mom recently wrote asking for suggestions regarding her 4-year-old daughter’s problem with wetting the bed. She has tried a number of things like limiting drinks after 7:00 but nothing seems to be helping.

According to Pediatrician Dr. Scott Cohen, bed wetting is very common in children up to six-years-old. He explains some of the causes and possible interventions in this video on bed wetting.

Realizing this is a common problem which most children outgrow will hopefully help ease your anxiety if your child wets the bed.

Gaining cooperation by using choices

One mom taking the Priceless Parenting class commented that she didn’t think her two-year-old son would really understand the concept of choices. However, she tried anyway with choices like “Do you want to wear your tennis shoes or your sandals?” and “Do you want to gallop or walk to the bathroom?” She was surprised that he not only understood the choices, he delighted in making the decisions!

She also reported that if she had been giving him choices, he was far more likely to be cooperative later on when he really didn’t have a choice about doing something. If she hadn’t given him enough choices, he was more likely to have a meltdown. Although it felt a little odd at first giving him so many choices, she figured that the pay off was well worth it!

What was my teenager thinking?

Teenagers can act in ways that leave parents exasperated! Teens are often impulsive or take risks without fully understanding the consequences of their behavior.

Recent research has shown that it takes about 25 years for a person’s brain to fully develop. If you’re interested in how the brain develops and the impact of this on teenage behavior, watch this video by Dr. Ken Winters:

http://www.drugfree.org/TeenBrain/science/index.html

Parents can help prepare kids for being teenagers by allowing them to have plenty of responsibility and make mistakes when they are younger. Learning to think through choices and possible consequences is an important skill for pre-teens to develop.

Helping children handle their emotions

Children will often feel more understood if we identify with their feelings. One mom explained that her 4-year-old daughter would often get upset when challenged by something like trying to tie her shoes. However, she responded really well if her mom said “You look really frustrated”. Her daughter would launch into an explanation of how she was feeling very frustrated.

Helping our children process their feelings is an important part of parenting. If you are interested in learning more you may want to read Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child written by psychology professor John Gottman. Gottman describes a coaching process that teaches children how to recognize and address their feelings.

Go back to your old way of parenting!

I’m in the middle of facilitating a seven week Priceless Parenting discussion group. Parents with older children are reporting that their children are noticing the difference and asking their parents to stop taking the parenting class! When parents change their behavior, it’s a common reaction for the children to work hard to get them to return to their old behaviors. Even if the old parenting behaviors involved lots of yelling or nagging, at least the kids knew what to expect.

For example, one mom said she had taken on a lot of responsibility that she realized her children really should have. When she started turning over responsibility for things like remembering homework assignments and bringing the correct sports equipment to school, her kids complained. Her son was especially frustrated when he had to play soccer after school without his cleats and shin guards. However, the next time there was soccer practice after school, he remembered to bring his cleats and shin guards!

Although this mom is working on guiding her son to ultimately becoming a responsible adult, he isn’t thanking her for this. Anticipating the resistance to your new parenting skills can help you stay the course even when the sailing isn't always smooth.

How many demands do preschoolers make per hour?

According to Alyson Shapiro, Ph.D., of the Gottman Institute, "Research shows that this age group places up to 50 demands on their parents' attention per hour". Parents of preschoolers need to develop new parenting skills to deal with these increased challenges. As preschoolers are busily trying out their independence and testing limits, parents need to be able to set limits in loving yet firm ways.

One mom described her frustration when her son would start splashing water out of the bathtub. She finally solved the problem by gently taking him out of the tub and drying him off whenever he started splashing water. She was amazed at how well this worked. She didn’t get angry but instead calmly told him that bath time was over. She reported that he quickly learned to not splash in the tub so he could enjoy more time playing in the water.

Whose Responsibility Is It?

Children are often capable of more responsibility than we give them. When parents take on responsibilities which their children really should be handling, they are likely to feel overwhelmed and underappreciated.

One mom complained about all the extra work she was doing now that her 3rd and 6th graders were back in school. Read about all the extra tasks she did in just one day.

What tasks are you doing for your children that they could be doing?

Parenting discussion group

Last night I had the privilege of meeting with a group of enthusiastic parents to lead a parenting discussion. We’re meeting for seven weeks and each week discussing one of the Priceless Parenting lessons. Parents are going through the lesson prior to attending the discussion so we can jump right into questions/comments and sharing parenting stories and struggles.

I was definitely inspired by the level of positive energy generated by these parents and their commitment to being excellent parents. If you are interested in forming a Priceless Parenting discussion group in your community and would like information, please email me.

What’s better a threat or a promise?

One mom was exasperated with her preschool daughter after she pitched fit for 45 minutes upon learning that her little brother was going swimming while she was at preschool. When mom was completely fed up with the whining and crying, she threatened to let her daughter sit in her room all day missing both preschool and a dance class. Her daughter stopped crying and got ready for school.

In this case, the threat got the girl to stop her tantrum. But what if she would have continued the tantrum? Does mom really want her daughter to have the choice of skipping school? Probably not.

The problem with threats is that we often make them when we are angry and therefore threaten things that we really don’t want carry through on. Instead of using a threat, mom could have used a promise when her daughter started protesting like “I’ll be happy to take you swimming next week if I don’t use up that energy listening to you whining and crying.”

The benefits of this promise over the previous threat:

• The daughter goes to preschool regardless of whether or not she continues to whine and cry.
• Mom can take son swimming as originally planned.
• If the daughter stops her whining and crying, she receives the positive benefit of going swimming at a later date.

We want our children to be able to trust that we will follow through on what we say. Therefore, we want to avoid threats made in anger since those threats tend to be extreme and not well thought out. It is far better to choose promises we’d be happy to fulfill rather than angry threats that will deteriorate our relationship with our children.

Intervening when children are hitting

Many young children will try hitting their parents. One mom wrote about how her daughter started hitting her when she was 9 months old. Mom was very surprised and responded by calmly saying “no hitting, nice” and rubbing the girl’s hand gently on her face. However, she continued hitting her mom and mom resorted to sternly grabbing her hands and saying “No hit”. This also didn’t change her behavior.

She is now 18 months old and hits, scratches and pulls hair too! She does this with mom, dad and other kids. When she hits mom now, she immediately says “nice” and rubs her hand on her mom’s face. She’s learned something but not what mom had intended!

When parents respond to misbehavior in a way that doesn’t effectively set a limit, children’s misbehavior usually not only continues but escalates in an attempt to find the limit. In this case, the consequence of hearing “no hitting” and rubbing her mom’s face did not discourage the girl from hitting. Instead, it actually encouraged her to try pushing the limits even further.

It’s important for parents to respond in a kind yet firm way to discourage hitting. Read this article on stopping toddler hitting for other ideas on how to deal with this situation.

Whiny, arrogant, rude, violent – not my child!

In their article titled "Why Our Kids Are Out of Control", Child Psychologists Jacob Azerrad and Paul Chance explain why they believe American children have become increasingly whiny, arrogant, rude and violent. They site one research study that found “On playgrounds, French youngsters were aggressive toward their playmates only 1 percent of the time; American preschoolers, by contrast, were aggressive 29 percent of the time.” They suggest that child rearing practices that encourage parents to pay special attention to children when they misbehave contribute to more misbehavior.

They point out that many popular child-rearing books “repeatedly urge parents to hold, soothe, comfort and talk to a child who bites, hits, screams, throws or breaks things, ignores or refuses parental requests or otherwise behaves in obnoxious, infantile ways. Common sense and a truckload of research argue solidly against this practice.”

Feel free to share your comments on this article. If you’re interested in learning parenting skills that will actually reduce misbehavior, take the Priceless Parenting online parenting class!

Please, please, please can I have it?

The shopping center near our house has carefully placed several large glass containers filled with a variety of colorful candy right near the doors. This display is especially good at catching the eyes of young children. It’s the perfect situation for practicing parenting skills!

Yesterday as I was walking out, I noticed a grandpa with two grandchildren, a boy about 4-years-old and a girl about 2-years-old. The boy ran up to the bright candy containers and excitedly told his grandpa “Look, look!” Grandpa replied “Oh”. The boy then pleaded “Please, please, please can I have one?” Grandpa told him “No, we have treats at home.” The little boy then angrily hit the top of one of the candy containers with his fist. Grandpa made an empathetic “Ooow” sound implying “Boy, I bet that hurt and I can see you’re really mad.” Grandpa continued walking to the door holding the girl’s hand and the boy eventually stamped along behind.

What I thought but didn’t say was “Way to go Grandpa!” Grandpa set a firm limit in a loving way. His grandson is learning that begging doesn’t work very well with grandpa.

Dad of Divas reviews Priceless Parenting class

I was honored to be approached by Chris Lewis, creator of the Dad of Divas blog, to review Priceless Parenting, an online parenting class. Chris has two young daughters and works as Assistant Dean for Student Services at the University of Wisconsin – Manitowoc. He and his wife went through the lessons and tried out the new techniques.

Here are a few quotes from the review:

"The lessons are narrated by Kathy and use down to earth, real life examples which truly makes the training that much more pertinent.”

“I already find myself using the knowledge from this course with my eldest (Diva-J). One of the biggest things that I have been trying lately from the training is the idea of choices and providing choices for Diva-J to allow her the freedom to make mistakes and offer learning moments.”

"I whole-heartily encourage all of you to check out Priceless Parenting to become an even better parent!"

You can read his complete Priceless Parenting review on the Dad of Divas blog.

Missing the bus to school

There’s nothing that messes up an otherwise smooth morning like a child missing the school bus! However, it’s much less stressful if you’ve already discussed how to solve the problem with your child before it happens. The more responsibility children have in resolving the problem, the less likely the problem is to occur.

Here are some ways children could resolve the problem:

• Walk to school. This is an ideal option if the school is close enough and the walk isn’t too dangerous.
• Pay someone to drive to school. It’s important to establish ahead of time who may provide a ride to school and what rate will be charged.
• Ask a parent for a ride to school and then do extra chores to reimburse the parent for the time spent driving to school and back.
  

Knowing how the situation will be handled reduces the stress for everyone.

Getting Dressed All by Myself, All in Due Time!

Young children take pride in doing things for themselves like getting dressed. However, sometimes their sense of urgency in completing a task doesn’t always match their parents’ sense of urgency. Parents quickly learn that encouraging their children to “hurry up” doesn’t work well.

One mom complained that she would often find her four-year-old son playing with toys or jumping on the bed instead of getting dressed in the morning. She nagged him repeatedly and sometimes even helped him get dressed just to get out the door on time. This constant battle was causing mornings to be stressful and she wanted a new approach.

In order for her son to be self-motivated to get dressed quickly in the morning, he needed to see a benefit in doing so. The benefit could be eating breakfast, being able to dress at home instead of at preschool or having time for a story. Whatever the benefit, mom should let him know ahead of time and then follow through on it.

Read the complete article for details on how mom could present each option.